I always followed what my coaches told me. I ensured that my body would perform at its best by following their rules. Unfortunately, by doing so, it also meant caring a lot about what society wanted and expected from my body. From what it looked like to how it performed––from my weight when I stepped on a scale to the dimensions of my hips, thighs, chest, and shoulders. I was aware of it all. And society expected me to be “small.” Little did I know that making my body smaller to please others would only hinder my athletic ability. Aiming for a certain standard of athletic perfection kept my body from accomplishing what it was truly capable of. But that wouldn’t be the end of my journey…
My Adolescent Idea of the “Ideal Athlete”
As the 6 foot tall girl, I’ve always been the “big” one. Of course, my peers growing up, from elementary school to college, compared me to every girl shorter than myself. Commenting on our sizes, looks, muscles, and everything else you could physically see. Because of that, I always felt overly conscious of my looks, and looking back, I am sure my peers did too. Because who wants to be compared like that when we are all different?
While my coaches never talked to me about body shapes, hormones, periods, or fat…it didn’t matter. There was enough pressure from every which way to be smaller. Being more petite and slim meant fitting in. Hell, being a 6-foot-tall skinny girl meant I could be in the same league as the “models.” Achieving both meant earning the highest of society’s compliments and goals. I cared a lot about my athletic endeavors, but I also cared about what my peers thought of me.
Getting Older. Growing Wiser.
Here’s the thing. The older you get, the harder it is to keep yourself inside a steadfast box of expectations. I spent my teens and early adulthood forcing myself into the box of “petite athlete”, and it wasn’t until I hit my 30s that I realized how much of a toll it took on my mental and physical wellbeing. I was ready to meet a more authentic version of myself, an athlete who wasn’t afraid to shake things up, work even harder, and with all that, do the work to take better care of me. I started lifting heavier, I worked for consistency in my training plans, and I fed myself. I really fed myself.
And the changes? They were abundant. Within months, my periods had become more regular. I started hitting consistent over-the-fence home runs in our competitive softball leagues. I was no longer stopped by knee pain while trail running for over 10 miles. I could last longer and move faster while climbing mountains and biking on roads. In my mind, this was only the beginning. All that effort to change and shift my perspective on the “ideal athlete” was paying off.
Here Comes the Mental Backslide
I was on top of the world until I stepped on a scale, and the number showed 200 lbs. The last time I stepped on the scale, I was 160 lbs. Everything mentally came crashing down on me. Fear, anxiety, and a sense of being worthless. I truly felt like a creature who was ugly and fat. Logically as a trainer, I knew that I gained muscle (and some much-needed fat. Little to none resulted in me losing my period for 6 months). I knew logically that I was healthy, strong, and in the best shape I had ever been in. But I was in my head. Growing up at 160 lbs., I was called fat (ridiculous, I know, but hey). I was told I was too big. I grew up around television shows exploiting people’s health issues with titles like “My 300 lbs. Life.” To be unhealthy, miserable, and skinny was better than being healthy, but, God forbid, weighing in at an arbitrary number deemed by society as…. not skinny. No one ever talked about 200 lbs. Because if a woman ever reached that number, she was automatically “fat”, needed to diet, needed to change. As mountain athletes (trail runners, mountaineers, climbers, etc.), we are constantly told that we cannot be big because we shouldn’t carry excess weight up a mountain. Muscle or fat, that somehow didn’t matter; the number alone mattered. Which, in turn, results in so many of us depleting our bodies again and again. Just to see something “acceptable” on our scales. Before I saw that new number, I felt terrific. I had energy and was going above and beyond my goals for my athletic adventures. After I stepped off that scale, I was a mental mess. I cried several times to myself and my husband, saying things like: “I feel fat.” “I feel worthless.” “I feel big and ashamed.” “I am not a good enough athlete anymore.” My entire focus shifted from how I felt to how I looked.Fighting the Good Mental Fight
Here’s the kicker. No one in my personal circle has ever told me I am fat or unhealthy. No one I work with has told me I’m not good enough to be a manager, trainer, or athlete because of my weight. No peer has torn me down because of what a scale showed. The only person who was tearing me down was myself. And that cycle of seeing myself as “lesser than” simply because of a number needed to end. As a woman athlete, I needed to create mental goals to keep me from backsliding into thoughts that smaller meant better. Which is tough work. We’re told our whole lives the opposite. I needed to recognize and celebrate different bodies. Mine included. I needed to stop praising one body over another. I needed to continue focusing on how I was feeling vs. how I looked. I needed to continue surrounding myself with amazing friends, family, and coworkers who saw me for me (which had literally nothing to do with my weight or size). I needed to continue my training for the love of movement and activity alone.
Your Weight Doesn’t Define You.
I know I’m not alone in this, and while it’s okay to lose weight (hell, weight fluctuates along with our hormones), keep this tidbit close in your mind: sometimes gaining is healthier than losing. Sometimes gaining pushes us to be better athletes, stronger competitors, and downright better friends to ourselves. All bodies are unique and amazing as they are.
I want all of us to continue taking care of ourselves and treating ourselves the way we deserve, mentally and physically. It’s about something greater than what you see on a scale. And that number, no matter how daunting to see, has little to do with what we can achieve as athletes.
Please remember that at the Front, we have your back when you feel down, unworthy, or not good enough. We are here to show you just how kickass, wonderful, and worthy you are, so seriously, check out our class list See you in class at Ogden, SLC, and South Main to find something that interests you, and just MOVE for the joy of moving. Come as you are; we’ll send you home stronger.
By Al Hahn
Al grew up in the biggest little city in the world, Reno NV. Being physically active is a natural part of her very being, from softball to soccer and skiing to gymnastics. She dedicated her time to understanding holistic health and loves that physical fitness is just one part of a thoughtful health journey.
Certified in ACE Personal Training, she teaches skiing, HIIT, TRX, functional movement, and indoor cycling throughout Salt Lake. With Al, you’ll work on the mind, body, and confidence by challenging yourself from the inside out.
